Perth woman discovers - Drunk people are really annoying
A Perth woman has recently made the groundbreaking discovery that "drunk people are really annoying" after having been the only sober person at an Australia Day bbq this year.
"At first they just start speaking louder and over top of each other. Nothing wrong there. I mean, who is gonna throw the first stone right? If you don't speak louder and over people your opinion can't dominate the conversation. But then they start talking about nonsense. Like 'if there was an apocalypse and you had to chose one weapon, a vehicle and an animal companion, what would they be?' I was like 'helooooo?! Where, in the apocalype are you going to get further arrows for your cross-bow, or nitrogen to run your Back to the Future air skateboard? And dog food for your trusty companion, the telepathic wolf? Did you even think about that??'' When the conversation turned to 'do garden gnomes have spirits and secretly judge us?' I had to put my foot down. Who ever heard of something so stupid. As if they judge. They are made of clay. They just, like, watch."
"It would be fine if it just stopped with the conversation and shouting. But man, once things get physical I start to get worried. I mean, I saw Cavalia, where little moroccan acrobats climb on each others heads and mad people from Quebec do tricks on horses and stuff. It was cool. I remember thinking 'Yeah, i would like to stand on two people's heads and if I had a horse, I could do sommersaults on it too.' But seeing my cousin George crawl around like a horse while Amy from next door does sommersaults on his back and crashes into a lantana bush nearly breaking her neck is really stressful. They will both be requiring physio until Easter I suspect. And i had to get out the baby wipes to clean up faces the dudes who tried to stand on each other's heads. I think one of them landed in maltese terrier faeces. It was nasty, whatever it was."
Also of concern to Ms Kelly is the degeneration in the quality of music. "I can handle the decent from cool electro vibes to really loud opera to cotton candy pop. I even like when someone can play the guitar and piano and gets into it. But when some tone deaf computer programmer from up the road plays the decorative ukaleli my Aunt Phyllis brought back from Hawaii and other people bang on pots and pans with kitchen utensils I really lose my sh*t. Thats not music, its a regression of mankind. And noise pollution."
Ms Kelly has made these shocking discoveries after her first public holiday in which a drunken bbq was held at her conveniently located abode in close proximity to the beach, at which she was the only sober person in attendance. "I thought i was going to have to drive people's cars home for them. But no one was so drunk that they even contemplated letting me drive their car" she said with a sigh of relief. "I tried to perform my civic duty by wrestling people for their car keys, but seeing as no one was trying to drive anywhere anyway I soon gave up."
After most people lurched off to their respective beds or houses in the vicinity, and all other residents of the house in question had retired for the evening, Ms Kelly was also left to manage and direct the left-over guests, who remained outside the abode moaning about recent breakups and the meaning of life, finishing their beverages in no great rush. "They were really nice people and stuff. A bit emotional and incoherent perhaps. But my main worry was that they were not planning to go anywhere at all and that i would wake up to find them passed out in the garden, or worse yet, knocking on the door wanting a toothbrush."
Also problematic s the number of drunk people who insist on waking up the other drunk people who had passed out. "I mean, isn't that sort of natural attrition how you wipe the party out? But no! Drunk people, particularly those who have been smashing the expresso martinis all day will try and rouse their fallen comrades for round 2. And round 2 can be even untidier, because people generally take off some key piece of clothing, like their spray on jeans, or the belt that holds their pants up prior to passing out.
Are drunk people as witty or comedic as sober people, Ms Kelly was asked by Bloodsoakedrainbows media. "Yes, but its a different kind of funny. Like, rather than subtle jokes with veiled references to English literature its more like "Look what Ben stuck up his bum!" Which, i guess, is a form of humour. I mean, I found it funny for a few seconds. Until i realised it was the fork piece of my favourite salad servers that I brought back from Bali."
How is one to deal with such a discovery given the ubiquitous nature of drunken bbqs in Australia? "Well, it would obviously not be a problem if you were completely tanked also. But if that option is not on the cards, its a matter of mitigation rather than prevention, to be realistic. Like, I recommend feeding the drunk people starchy food if possible. Also, when someone goes off to do the second of third booze run tell them that their favourite bottle shop is shut and send them 2ks in the wrong direction. You can dispense with at least 2 or 3 people this way. Especially if someone goes off to search for one of the missing people looking for the non-existent bottle shop. Even better if you can send a couple. The other thing is, try and make the drunk people clean up while they are still moving. Like, not touch the crystal glasses or wash up any crockery, and they will either break stuff or do a terrible job. but you can make them throw bottles in the recycling and generally one of them will do some sort of half *ssed job of cleaning the bbq."
