You are not the girl I fell in love with. You have not been for some time.
The girl I fell in love with was gregarious, ambitious, confident, fearless and funny. She was adventurous and brave. She was ambitious and knew what she wanted. She was fierce and I was proud to take her anywhere. I was proud that she was with me.
She remembered things and did little things and achieved so much. She was witty and eloquent and lofty. She took care of herself and looked good. She was sassy. She would throw her head back and laugh and she was happy with life. She was healthy and slept through the night in my arms.
You are not her. You are very sick. Sometimes I refer to something we did or a conversation we had and you respond but I can tell you are only pretending to remember. Im not always sure I can take you places. You have wine on your breath at 7am on a Saturday. When I wake up and you are not in bed I worry about where you are, if you are smashing valium and vodka in the bathroom. You have little secrets from me and you do things that horrify me. You are rude and obnoxious to others and reckless. You have accidents all the time and there is usually blood involved, bandages too. You have lost your passion and ambition and drive. You don't take care of yourself. You can't take care of others. You ruin my weekends and pick stupid fights. I can't rely on you being awake past 4pm on a Saturday or Sunday. You make stupid decisions and neglect important things. You check yourself out of emergency departments with bloodied bandages on your arms and no idea where you are. You are not showing me the respect I deserve.
I am confused by this behaviour, because you do all of this to yourself, to me, to us and then tell me that you love me.. But you are not the girl I fell in love with. I need that girl back. You have so much potential and so much to offer the world, and me, if you come back. I believe in love and so I choose to believe that she is not gone for good. I think you need to believe that at the moment. Believe whatever you want if it helps you get through. Hopefully I will still be here on the other side.
