Mrs Havisham's house was okay. Not fire not ice, not roses not weeds. Some weirdos in dressing gowns and slippers smoking in the park across the road but except for that everyone looked ok.
The hard bit is the lying in bed, sobering up and sobbing, looking at what one has done to one's life, relationship, career. the secrets the wasted time, everything she had lost. To come out of the haze and see things clearly. Oh, it was not nice. She did not want to see these things.
The random call from my mum. "Im hopping on a plane at 2! It will be there by 5 Perth time."
"Dont come"
"Its too late"
"No, really, DONT COME"
"But you dont tell me anything."
"Im not telling you anything here either. Im fine, cancel your ticket."
"What do I do wrong Caitlin?" She cries. "You didnt even tell me. I heard it through Isabella who had a call from your fairy god mother. What happened??"
"Nothing happened. I'm here voluntarily"
"I thought you must have done something. Like last time"
"Dont come."
"Its too late, its all booked" she says sadly, desperately, confused.
"Its too late, its all booked" she says sadly, desperately, confused.
"Well I won't be able to see you, Im busy here so its a waste of you time. It will be like that scene in murals wedding where the mum goes to Muriels wedding and muriel doesn't even see her. So don't come."
"I'll just sit in the lobby and read a book."
"No, I don't have tome for that. its not that kind of place. You need to cancel your flights. Ill cancel the hotel. I dont need this kind of stress"
"Fine, I'll see what it would cost to cancel". I have hurt and crushed her feelings. She is being a protective mother lion.
We get of the phone and I am crying, sobbing uncontrollably that I have been so cruel. That this is who I am and how she must be feeling.
I call back."Im so sorry mum, just come, we'll figure something out. ok. Just call when you get here. I'm really sorry. I would love to see you. We will work something out.:
Last night I I sent the Lover an email and try to tell the truth, the whole truth, beg him to fall in love with me again if I can get better. He is so confused.
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
He is trying to process the worst week of his life, the days, months..
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
How I could do it and get so sick and deteriorate like that in front of, around and upon someone I love.
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
He has spoken to no one. He cannot bring himself to abandon something he invested so much in. And because he is a kind and loving person
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
My journey starts again today. My f*cking journey that i have already taken and sworn not to return to. I know how it starts every time but I don't know how it ends. I don't have time. I don't have time for this getting better, living a normal life, and yet I can't go on the way I have been.
'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head.
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head.
I don't like myself. Some days I do but not at the moment, not for a long time.
