My phone keeps buzzing and I ignore it for the 15th time. "Just turn it off!!" says Nature rummaging around in her bag. she finds a cigarette and smokes it out the window.
"Ive told him Im not coming back! He is going psycho. I should speak to him. Ive told him Im out with you. I can't. I'll be in trouble. I'll just ignore it."
"This is bullshit" says Nature. "You're an adult! You're your own person! You're allowed to hang out with your friend!" There is a little wine in the fridge, I rummage around in the freezer and find vodka and ice. Russia touches my waist with one hand as he pulls glasses from a cupboard above my head. I make drinks, Nature flicks away her cigarette. Russia sits on the couch and I am sitting on the floor between his legs, his hands lightly on my shoulders while the phone continues to buzz. He leans over and changes the song. Ladyhawke joins us.
Late night, waiting by the phone
Tonight waiting for an answer
Heartbeat drumming double time
I need one more chance to be near you...
"Your situation, is the exact opposite of mine." She says. Her eyes are steely and focussed as she selects a loyalty card for some store from her wallet. She empties the bag on the hot plate and crushes its contents. "I get all dressed up. We have a plan. I wait for him. He doesn't show up. He just disappears. 4 years of this I have put up with. I love him. Why does he do this to me?" She holds back tears and will not cry. It is more anger, at herself. I have seen her cry twice perhaps, in 24 years. Once when we tied out legs together to walk as a three legged man. We were 8. We fell over, ripped our bony knees to shreds. We both cried and laughed uncontrollably.
She shakes her head.
Still hanging on, for a while...
I wont eat and I wont sleep for you...
"I am waiting for him to change. Waiting. Just waiting." She grinds her teeth and i want to make rainbows bend and the seasons change.
no rest till I get through
cos Im holding out for you
Am I the only one whose insane...
The phone buzzes for the millionth time.
"Just answer it and tell him you're with me and to fuck off!"
We all do a line, i murmur something... am relieved to be in a safe place for the.. time being? The night? How safe? Nature gets more ice for her drink, slices up lime. I light some candles and sit down again on the floor at Russia's feet. He removes my tiara and plays with my hair, runs his hands through it.
"Don't go, stay" he says in my ear. I am confused and shut my eyes for a moment, breath deeply. When I open them we are all still there. The flicker of little lights flirt thoughout the room, Nature is cutting lines and I see hurt and behind her solid and stoic wall of bright light and earth princess power.
"Don't go, stay" he says in my ear. I am confused and shut my eyes for a moment, breath deeply. When I open them we are all still there. The flicker of little lights flirt thoughout the room, Nature is cutting lines and I see hurt and behind her solid and stoic wall of bright light and earth princess power.
"Mmmmmm?" says Russia.
"Caitlin" she says, looking at me sharply as Russia's mouth grazes my neck. Shrewd eyes are looking suspiciously at how overly comfortable I am. I had spent many nights here, in this apartment in sparkly Darlinghurst, before my current relationship, in the early days even when I was a secret affair and still considered myself single and Russia was my best friend, The One Who Was Always There For Me. I would be in this space smoking out the window, listening to my favourite music, look at the photograph of my leg on his fridge and my capscicum plant that he tended to in his OCD tidy apartment. I knew where the towels and matches were. He kept my favourite wine and herbal teas and always knew when to throw me on the back of the bike, wrap my arms around his waist and take off to a beach, a festival, do something fun when I needed it. I never lied to him and he never asked a question he didnt want the answer to.
"Caitlin" she says, looking at me sharply as Russia's mouth grazes my neck. Shrewd eyes are looking suspiciously at how overly comfortable I am. I had spent many nights here, in this apartment in sparkly Darlinghurst, before my current relationship, in the early days even when I was a secret affair and still considered myself single and Russia was my best friend, The One Who Was Always There For Me. I would be in this space smoking out the window, listening to my favourite music, look at the photograph of my leg on his fridge and my capscicum plant that he tended to in his OCD tidy apartment. I knew where the towels and matches were. He kept my favourite wine and herbal teas and always knew when to throw me on the back of the bike, wrap my arms around his waist and take off to a beach, a festival, do something fun when I needed it. I never lied to him and he never asked a question he didnt want the answer to.
Nature tucks a blonde strand of hair behind her pixie ear. and works with determined and undefeated eyes. It is so unfair.
Hey. Youre playing with my delirium
And the longer I wait the harder I'm gonna fall
Stop playing with my delirium
Cos Im outa my head and outa my self control.
"That!" She shakes her head. I have watched this for the better part of those 4 years, gaps in between. "He is playing with my f*cking delerium!" She does two thin lines and passes the plate around. We all do some more. There is a buzzing from my bag yet again.
"Hey, its ok" says Russia , pulling my hair back softly. Nature grabs the phone out of my cavernous oversized gold hand bag and answers.
"This is [Nature]. Look, leave Caitlin alone tonight, she has already told you she is not coming back to your house. So leave her alone. She is fine." I hear a tirade of invective and horrible words spat down the phone. She listens calmly for what seems like minutes. I hear yelling, more swear words and an insult against natropathic therapy generally.
"Are you done?"
Another tirade of invective and I am mortified.
"Hope you feel better now. I suggest you go to bed now, Caitlin is not coming to your house tonight. She is safe. Good night." She hangs up the phone calmly. I am edgy but relieved and do actually turn the thing off and push it into the deep recesses of my bag and mind. She looks at me and shakes her head.
We mellow, sort of, and talk and think and play and listen to music and chill out as the blue hour starts to loom.
Little honey we can write like this, write on
As long as you've got stars in your eyes you keep me coming back to you
I am on the couch lying back a bit, my legs over Russia's lap, him lightly moving his fingers up and down, touching under my knees from time to time. He leans over and whispers in my ear again "Stay tonight?"
Nature sees it. "Alright Caitlin. its time to go."
"Really? I might just stay." I say, looking at my friend.
"Nope, we are getting in a cab NOW."
"Im still kind of up, I wont be able to sleep. I think I'll just stay for a bit and mellow out."
"No. We can have wine and a cigarette in my garden. But we are leaving NOW!"
Disentangled from Russia, I pick up my bag and other bits and pieces. I say goodbye and we hug and kiss lightly.
The elevator doors close behind us and I breath a sigh of relief. I turn my phone on. It buzzes instantly to indicate 8 new messages.
"Thank you" I say to Nature. My spine crumbles against the wall of the elevator just a little and I see the disaster averted. "You really did me a favour. I really owe you for that." We both know what I am talking about.
"No" she says and points to my phone. "Ironically, I did HIM a favour. And THAT guy really owes me. And he'll never even know it."
I was grateful and I meant it. My morals are soluble and I hit the point of not caring much more easily these days. Fading into delirium seemed so nice and reassuring in the last hours of the night although the cold light of day would surely not have thanked me for it.
