Today I will look out the window and watch the rain. I will breath deeply and wish away. I might write a postcard or two. I will sit with this awful feeling, the twisting of my soul and organs. I won't fight with the nanny. I won't fight with the BPD.
I just want to sleep but from a quick investigation it appears I have taken all the drugs in the house.
I tried to make it up to Leah yesterday with a massive Marks & Spencer hamper but left my credit card in the hamper.
I am finding life so unmanageable. I don't want to go back to work. I am afraid.
It looks like I have had a shower but I don't know for sure.
Last night Matilda wasn't here.
"You told Naty she could take her."
"You call her the F*CK back and get my daughter home now."
I know I am in the wrong but my baby belongs with me, in sickness and in health.
They are gone today.
I will just watch the rain.