We are sitting in a goup with Pauloa, to
emotional and articulate Italian therapist with long golden brown hair and a
European tan dressed all in white. She has classic beauty and is full of
insight. Last time I came here I was a total b*tch to her, I have absolutely no
idea why because this time I am getting so much out of her sessions, they are
my favourite.
And
it is difficult for the family, you know, you come back and you are so healed
but they are not healed, here is this mis-match between you. She gestures with long thin brown hands and smiles. But we have to communicate better, model
this. I can say to my daughter “I feel like you dismiss me”. Rather than say
“Im not you’re fucking maid”.
I
find it really hard to go back into my family after being the useless addict
and suddenly I have a voice and don’t want to be reminded f the past, but they
lived through it and are a bit traumatised you know? And the nanny isn’t used
to me making the decisions, I sort of have to wrestle that job back. Its weird.
I don’t know. Is anyone else worried about that? I
go around the room and ask all of the married people.
Yes!
No!
My wife is amazing.
No,
my husband is always away, Im the boss anyway.
Julia’s face is expressionless. My marriage is a bit more complex.
After group she comes up to me and says
quietly come outside?
Hey
sorry I shut you down like that, I really cant talk about my marriage in there.
The thing is, it is totally unhealthy and codependent. And there has been a lot
of domestic violence. That’s what I meant when I said DOCS were involved, not
the drinking.
Oh.
Im so sorry to hear that. And I totally didn’t mean to put you on the spot or
touch on something like that. How often does the violence happen? When was the
last time?
He
tried to strangle me 2 nights before I came in here while my 6 year old was
watching. Its pretty bad. And he wants me to go home early.
I had
no idea, Im so sorry.
Ive
never reported him, not once, but now Im worried that if I try to leave he will
get the kids because Im the alcoholic in rehab and theres no evidence of the
violence.
Oh.
That’s really not good. You need to document that stuff right away if it ever happens
again, photos etc. Stop being a lawyer d*ckhead,
just be a friend I think. Do your parents know about this?
Yes
and they f*cking hate him. But I cant leave him because we’re so emeshed in
each others life, its violent but obsessively loving, I want him to go away but
I don’t want him to leave… its so messed up.
Hey I
have had a couple of relationships like that. Obsessive and loving and intense
but destructive and volatile.
I
knew youd understand somehow. So what did you do?
Well,
I guess I asked myself what advice I would give if it was my best friend.
I
don’t have any friends.
If it
was your daughter?
Id
tell her to run a mile.
So
that’s what I did. Well, for one I lived in an ashram in India and travelled SE
ASain for 5 months with a new boyfriend… and for the other I had to quit my job
and move to Perth to get away from him. And they still couldn’t accept it was
over. And we didn’t even have kids. This is going to be challenging for you I
suspect. But whatever you do please don’t go home early.
No, I
wont. My parents and the kids are away, it would be just me and him in the
house, I don’t feel safe.
I feel sad and think of the nice smiley
husband who came to visit her the night before, made friendly chit chat whilst
I made a cup of tea. You can never tell from the outside.
