The day before he had been cold and quiet. Silent even as they sat on the rocks looking at the sunset. "What's wrong?" she asked a number of times. Nothing. There was obvious tension. Finally she stopped talking to, and after an hour he noticed and opened up sparingly when pressed. He was uncomfortable with her going to all these alcohol drenched events, being around her poisons. He was uncomfortable about her being tanged up with the broken needs of comrades from Mrs Havisham's House. He was uncomfortable with this whole world of meetings and strangers calling to say 'how are you?" He was uncomfortable with her working till 2am. It was all fair enough but she had no idea where that left her. They talked through it. She offered what she could but it did not go away. In the morning he was effusive and loving but she was quiet and robotic. AS she walked out the door she realised how hypocritical it would be to leave filled with hurt and confusion and suspended silent tension.
She turned around and looked at him with sadness and frustration and hopelessness.
"I don’t know what else to do. I can go into that place and come out with all these tools and plans and different ways of dealing with stuff. But the outside world hasn’t changed. I cant stop everyone else drinking. I cant stop my job. I cant stop life going on. I can’t just not be at my own house when there is a bbq on. I cant ignore a call from someone in need. I can't stay sober without meetings. I cant change 12 step fellowships or how they work or why they work. And I cant do it on my own. So I feel utterly trapped. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to live in this world and make things right. I'm doing my best but its not working for you and I don’t know any other way."
His looked at her with defensive and unwavering eyes and they both felt helpless. He reached through the broken energy and gave her a hug as she crumpled into him and cried black mascara tears onto his shirt. The world kept moving to its own beat and the 8 yearold child in the grown up body had to learn to accept life on life's terms, navigate the path of least resistance though the craggy landscape of reality.
