Apology

You didn't talk a lot. Like, generally. So when you did talk, when you did open up, it really mattered.

We spent the day at a quasi architecture exhibition. I was a  f*ck up as always. We saw some cool shapes and spaces. We went to supper and i ordered too much. I gobbled down the sashimi when we realised we were going to miss the performance.

You started speaking. And you spoke for fifteen or twenty minutes which is the longest you ever spoke without me interpolating with some nonsense.

You spoke about feelings of helplessness. Of seeing the inception, the start, knowing what was coming. Seeing the signs of danger and mess and darkness. Of knowing how it started, where it went.

You spoke about how hard it was to keep silent and not have anyone to talk to about it which was a polite way of saying "I didn't want my friends to know what you are because they would tell me to leave you." I don't know how to say thank you for that because it essentially means protecting my reputation at the expense of your stress. 

You spoke about fear, about not knowing what you would come home to after a business trip, and even worse, when you did know what you would come home to. You spoke of waking up alone and wondering if I was in the bathroom smashing back valium and vodka. You spoke of finding half empty bottles all over the place, in random spots and how that made you feel. You spoke of frustration and I tried to make you say the word "anger" because I reckon that is actually the feeling, mixed with love, that people in your situation feel. You spoke about fear and just wanting me to get well. You said the word frustration a few times. If I was you I would say anger. But you are a better person than me.

You said all the things a perfect and kind person would say.

I wonder why you stay but I will not go into the "just leave!" discourse. Like I have before. You said it hurt you. I know it hurts you and i hate myself for that attitude even though I have no recollection of saying it. You spoke about 'the last play we saw'. I pretended I knew the play you were referring to. I figured it out after a while. You revert to a conversation we had. I try to follow and play along, fill in the blanks. I feel like that a lot these days.

I just want to be near you, soaked in your scent, in cinnamon, breath your warm skin, shut out the world and curl into you, be in our private universe where i will make a world for us and you will patch up the holes but also be the foundation. With you I want this. With you, I think we can do this.

I am a beautiful clever, creative woman. I adore you. I want to make a world with you. You held me in bed last night and wrapped me tighter when I tried to leave, several times, wrapped me up when i cried. You asked me why I was such a...  Love story of a broken angel. I tried to leave several times. "No" you whispered in my ear. Your were too strong. They were sleepless nights for you. The girl you loved was gone and you were trying to get a message to her somehow. The avatar left behind could call on her sort of. Her dreams were nightmares and she would mutter and scream and wake to your strength and firm hold.

If you have to leave I will never begrudge you. I thought you were beautiful from the moment of animation. I am going in tomorrow at 8am. It will not fix me and there is work to be done but its a circuit breaker and maybe if I get help things will be easier. I am acutely aware there is a day you have to go. .