Change

'So. We're going to inject. It uses, like, a third as much".
I had known it was coming eventually. I rubbed my eyes.

"Well I'm not staying. I won't try to convince you not to, i know you do it, but I dont want to be part of it. Shooting up never made anyone's life better, it's like the inverse of yoga. I dont want to be part of it."

"You don t have to be part of it. Heather will do the strap." She looks at me hard. We have crushed up and everyone has stopped moving. I dont see any foil.
"You can just smoke it if you want."

"It still affects me. I don't want to be part of this."

"Part of what? It's  just whatever but a bit different."

"For f*cks sake" I put my shoes on and walk out. She chases me and grabs by waist, turns me around and hugs me.

"I love you. Come back. Nothing will change. It will be fine."

"Im not sitting there while you shoot up"

"Fine" she says. "We'll just smoke at it will be fine. Okay?"

"Yes" I say. I am tired and confused. We walk back inside.

We sit down and I unlace my Docs.

"The thing is"  say Heather "I  still want to shoot. Seriously, it uses, like, a fraction of the amount."

"Whatever" I say. Clemetine is already pulling stuff out of a draw. I know they have started down a path. I go to the kitchen and get foil.

"You can look away if you like" says Hannah with a crooked smile.

I fade in and out of dreams in a narcoleptic space for a few hours. We dream speak with each other and we dwell in netherland blissville. Warm waterfalls rush through my blood and I float. I feel heavy and light, i feel nothing. I come to about 3 am and call a cab, sneaking out quietly. Weeks later there would be ambulances, valves pushed the wrong way, unknown doses, mouths gone blue.

When we had started chasing the dragon I was wary. I applied for things, far away. On New Years Eve we all watched the fireworks, sat on the piere outside Jesses house clutching tea, looking out at the sparkly black water, high on a bit of everything. I saw kaliedeskopes and didn't know if it was more fireworks. You wore devil horns.

"So, Im going on exchange to Canada. For a year. I fly tomorrow. So this is goodbye."

"What?? Tomorrow? How did you NOT tell me that?"

"Yeah." It was a bit much. We went inside, drank champagne and more tea.  I spoke to Max with Aspergers as I washed dishes and played with the warm water and bubbles. Layered electronica reverberate through the house.

I got home at 8am. I was all packed. I slept a little, lighhtly, badly, and spent the afternoon with my mum. The neighbour was playing some awesome version of Leaving On A Jet Plane. My mum was having flashbacks to the song playing in the airport when she was 20 before taking off as a volunteer. We stood together on her balcony, arm in arm, looking at the water and percolating life.

I was gone that night and returned a different woman.

My beloveds travelled their own journey which involved  the sex industy, rehab, more hospitals, strange men. Heather's mum wrote articles for a parent support group magazine about finding needles in her daughter's rubbish bin. We reconnected as proper adults but it is time in our story that we dont talk about.