Hi, me and my best friend Amy are looking for a housemate to
live in our really awesome house. You have to be clean and beautiful and really
popular and wear short skirts and big earrings and have heaps of friends and
maybe know some guys who are cool and into like really awesome music and have
really cool cars and maybe one that works in the music industry and can get me
and Amy tickets to stuff or like maybe one who is a bouncer at some really cool
clubs so me and Amy can go to all our favourite clubs and not have to stand in
line with all the ugly people. Yuck!
It would also be awesome if you can bring some guys around
who will buy us stuff, like, generally and maybe take us all out on their boats
sometimes.
We are vegetarians and I have a toy poodle called Shera who
is lactose intolerant and Amy has a chiwawa called Snooflae who is Jewish. There's
no room for your dog sorry. There could be room for a cool pet like maybe a
naked Siamese cat with no hair and a sweet as diamante collar but it would have
to stay outside cos Shera gets agoraphobic.
All noise is to stop at 8pm unless me and Amy are having a
really cool party. everyone who lives in the house has to work out 5 times and
week and stay under 55kgs. no hoofers sorry, it brings down the standard of the
house and it means we couldn't wear your clothes.
Your bathroom time would be 6-7am which is good because
sometimes Amy short circuits the house between 7-8 because her hair straightener
is dodgy and sucks more electricity than, like, a Texas execution chamber, so
the person who has 8-9 (um, hello????) has to leave the house looking like a
fat wh*re with wet hair half the time I mean you would think after I took her
stupid brother Corey to senior prom and not the really hot guy I wanted to take
who was busy that night she would just buy new straighteners but no. Yeah,
sometimes Amy is like a totally selfish b*tch but you would get used to it. She
is like heaps more mellow since she got outa rehab but I wouldn't go near her
shoes or clothes or jewellery or laxatives any of her stuff because she f*cken
lost it last time I used her special anorexia bucket to make my calorie free
jelly.
The last girl who lived with us was really annoying and rude
and not even that hot and then she chucked out my contacts so I chucked hers
out and then it was just like not a fun place to live and my psychic said it
was a really negative energy for me and it was affecting the health of my hair.
There's no stilettos in the house because they scratch the floor and no one is
allowed to watch Nicole Kidman movies or mention Giselle or watch any Ben
Affleck movies from that period where he was J-Lo's douchie little dobby wallah
and she like totally ruined him.
Also there is no butter or bread or sausage rolls allowed
and no boyfriends with long hair and if your boyfriend eats anything he has to
pay for it. It would be good if your parents lived nearby and you could just go
to their house when you need to go to the bathroom cos me and Amy are kind of
funny about other people's germs.
Oh yeah and if you don't like the rules and stuff then up yours!
